You know sometimes I wonder, 'why do I fucking bother!' Without going into grimy details, of which will bore the hell out of you all, I wonder why we put ourselves up for a slapping time and time again.
Jealousy is a nasty affliction.
When you're trying to do something that's important to you, something that you really care about and it's different from the masses, you'd expect support from your nearest. wouldn't you? Ha and double fucking Ha! once upon a time iIdid too. Not so now. Why I hear you ask? Well, it kind of goes like this.
I write, granted I'm not published, but some day I hope to be. It's not as easy as every tosser out there thinks. But I don't want to give up. I love it. I want to succeed. I want it very badly. BUT, and here is the crux. Those around me think I should give up because it's not happened, and won't, because it hasn't, so why carry on. To me, those are the thoughts of a coward. One who is afraid of persevering when all around drop out. It's a hard business and one where you need support. Not put downs. I can do 'put downs' very well by myself, I don't others to as well.
I'm not very happy as you can tell by me scribbling. In fact I'm very sad.
Recently I was told by a friend whom I haven't seen for a long time, and who has just read my blog that she thinks I'm funny (each to their own) and that she finds me very entertaining (again, that's here say) but nevertheless, it made me smile and warmed my soul. For a nanosecond. Because in my flush of praise I show this to a certain person and they mock. Yes they do. They mock and be-little it. How can that be? What does she mean, entertaining? Are you a magician or something? I had no verbal daggers to throw, because quite frankly, the mocking and disparaging way it was said went very deep.
And this is why I say 'I don't know why I fucking bother.' Sometimes you have to bask in the praise others give you on your own, if you don't want to get shot down in flames by those whom you think are by your side.
This is a lesson I keep on learning. But obviously have some mental retentive disorder, because I stupidly keep DOING IT! Again and again and again.
One day though, I hope to God that I will be the one laughing with derision while I sidle off to my launch party. One day maybe......
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5 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. I get the same sort of comments and looks from certain people re my writing. And I always make the mistake of saying "Ive sent my short story off for another competition." and they look at me as if to say, "You poor deluded thing!" After each rejection Im always saying, "Thats it! Im NOT doing this again!" But somehow I always seem to...
Your blog touched a raw nerve, Mercedes. Please don't give up writing,just because someone close to you doesn't understand.
If you write, then writing is just a part of who you are. Only other people who write can understand fully.
I don't know why it provokes such strong reactions in people - after all if you said you were a gardener or liked dressmaking no-one would bat an eyelid!
One day, I just know it, you will be a published writer. When you are then you won't need to say a single word, because your book will say it all for you.
I agree with you that writing is hard - on the other hand it can be the easiest thing in the world to do because you just can't not write.
In the meantime, just go somewhere alone with Henry. Pour your heart out to him, put your arms around him and you'll feel better. There's no more faithful friend than a dog. Honestly!
Keep your chin up and KEEP WRITING!
I'll tell you why you keep doing it. It's because you love it! I mean writing of course, not the put-downs. You're really writing for yourself, as we all do. Getting published is a bonus. That's how I see it anyway.
They who mock a thing, do not understand a thing.
Please, please keep writing and don't give up (coz you have friends - bit of a Peter Gabriel moment there). Maybe you just need to "shut the door" a bit more while you write and only open it to people who's criticisms are constructive.
Finally, a word to your critics: The carrot is mightier than the stick. Actually, my ex-managers should take note of that as well.
God, I'm so with you. The trouble with nearest and dearest is that they can really push the buttons.
Keep being tenacious Mercedes and you show 'em. Talent will out. You will succeed. Annie's spot on. If you said you wanted to be a gardener or whatever no-one would bother because everyone's met a gardener. Very few people have met writers . You are one and you will succeed.
Don't let the buggers get you down:-)
I seem to be at the other end of the scale, where family are concerned, at least...which can be daunting in a way. Of course it's much better to have the support, I'm not knocking it, but my nearest and dearest have SO MUCH faith in me and are SO convinced that I'm going to Make It One Day, bless them, that I feel absolutely terrible with every month and year that passes that I haven't actually...well, Made It yet. I feel like I'm letting them all down somehow. Friends and work-colleagues though...now that's a more similar story, sadly :( I play it down now, and say I just write as a hobby. You can tell they feel a bit sorry for me.
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