Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Upwards and Onwards.

You know sometimes I wonder, 'why do I fucking bother!' Without going into grimy details, of which will bore the hell out of you all, I wonder why we put ourselves up for a slapping time and time again.

Jealousy is a nasty affliction.

When you're trying to do something that's important to you, something that you really care about and it's different from the masses, you'd expect support from your nearest. wouldn't you? Ha and double fucking Ha! once upon a time iIdid too. Not so now. Why I hear you ask? Well, it kind of goes like this.

I write, granted I'm not published, but some day I hope to be. It's not as easy as every tosser out there thinks. But I don't want to give up. I love it. I want to succeed. I want it very badly. BUT, and here is the crux. Those around me think I should give up because it's not happened, and won't, because it hasn't, so why carry on. To me, those are the thoughts of a coward. One who is afraid of persevering when all around drop out. It's a hard business and one where you need support. Not put downs. I can do 'put downs' very well by myself, I don't others to as well.

I'm not very happy as you can tell by me scribbling. In fact I'm very sad.

Recently I was told by a friend whom I haven't seen for a long time, and who has just read my blog that she thinks I'm funny (each to their own) and that she finds me very entertaining (again, that's here say) but nevertheless, it made me smile and warmed my soul. For a nanosecond. Because in my flush of praise I show this to a certain person and they mock. Yes they do. They mock and be-little it. How can that be? What does she mean, entertaining? Are you a magician or something? I had no verbal daggers to throw, because quite frankly, the mocking and disparaging way it was said went very deep.

And this is why I say 'I don't know why I fucking bother.' Sometimes you have to bask in the praise others give you on your own, if you don't want to get shot down in flames by those whom you think are by your side.

This is a lesson I keep on learning. But obviously have some mental retentive disorder, because I stupidly keep DOING IT! Again and again and again.

One day though, I hope to God that I will be the one laughing with derision while I sidle off to my launch party. One day maybe......