What would men do without women ... everything!

The title says it all!!
On Thursday, I decide to go out with the kids (husband at work) to do a bit of shopping and lunching. Then on my way home, I stop off at a chemist to pick up a prescription when I get a manic phone call. Grabbing my phone out of my bag in a hurry, (the shop is small and very very quiet, so my phone sounds like a really bad case of tinnitus) I hear my husband in a state of panic. Apparently he's come home early to find that Henry has eaten the cat flap and has his head stuck in the hole. Not only this, but he's got the runs (dog not husband) and it stinks. conversation goes like this.
"Oh God Mercedes, the dog's eaten the cat flap!" I don't know what he thinks I can do. "Bloody Hell, there's a horrid smell in here too, Oh God! he's pooed everywhere, it stinks, Oh God! He's rolled in it."
I say, "Get him outside and leave him, can you clean it up?" Silence, this is where he has selective hearing.
So, I get home and the poor dog has a mucky backside and is so happy to see me that he tries to jump up, so now I am covered in it. But this doesn't faze me, what does is that the man of the house is hidden away in the lounge, with all the windows open and has not gone near the poo. so I have to clean it up and wash Henry down with the help of the kids, then rush him to the vets. Luckily, we put the cat flap together and don't think he's swallowed anything. I suspect he had the runs and in a panic not to soil the utility where he's locked up when we go out he tried to get out of the cat flap. Bless him.

I thought men were supposed to be all strong and manly. John Wayne types. Ha! more like Kenneth Williams if you ask me.

What would men do without women ... everything!

Don't you think my Henry looks like Dumbo!

What A Pisser.

Je-ZUS H Christ! I am so sick of this rain but more than that, I am sick of these bloody weather people getting it wrong for my part of the world.

For the last 2 days I have gone out in the pouring rain to walk the dog. Hat on. Wellies on. Waterproof on. (not very waterproofy, got soaked.) And five minutes after I arrive home the rain stops. Yes it stops for at least 5 hours if not most of the day. I could have waited until then to go out for walkies, but the clever weather people said it would rain all day with no breaks. Grrrrrr. And to top it all my sodding hair looks like a nightmare! I HATE THE RAIN!

Funnily enough, Henry appears to have the same problems with his hair. He goes all curly and around the ears he looks as if he's been crimped. I think he's coming out in sympathy. bless him. Despite being a Golden he looks like a blacken after the muddy walks.

Upwards and Onwards.

You know sometimes I wonder, 'why do I fucking bother!' Without going into grimy details, of which will bore the hell out of you all, I wonder why we put ourselves up for a slapping time and time again.

Jealousy is a nasty affliction.

When you're trying to do something that's important to you, something that you really care about and it's different from the masses, you'd expect support from your nearest. wouldn't you? Ha and double fucking Ha! once upon a time iIdid too. Not so now. Why I hear you ask? Well, it kind of goes like this.

I write, granted I'm not published, but some day I hope to be. It's not as easy as every tosser out there thinks. But I don't want to give up. I love it. I want to succeed. I want it very badly. BUT, and here is the crux. Those around me think I should give up because it's not happened, and won't, because it hasn't, so why carry on. To me, those are the thoughts of a coward. One who is afraid of persevering when all around drop out. It's a hard business and one where you need support. Not put downs. I can do 'put downs' very well by myself, I don't others to as well.

I'm not very happy as you can tell by me scribbling. In fact I'm very sad.

Recently I was told by a friend whom I haven't seen for a long time, and who has just read my blog that she thinks I'm funny (each to their own) and that she finds me very entertaining (again, that's here say) but nevertheless, it made me smile and warmed my soul. For a nanosecond. Because in my flush of praise I show this to a certain person and they mock. Yes they do. They mock and be-little it. How can that be? What does she mean, entertaining? Are you a magician or something? I had no verbal daggers to throw, because quite frankly, the mocking and disparaging way it was said went very deep.

And this is why I say 'I don't know why I fucking bother.' Sometimes you have to bask in the praise others give you on your own, if you don't want to get shot down in flames by those whom you think are by your side.

This is a lesson I keep on learning. But obviously have some mental retentive disorder, because I stupidly keep DOING IT! Again and again and again.

One day though, I hope to God that I will be the one laughing with derision while I sidle off to my launch party. One day maybe......

I sound Like a Fish Wife!

I have had a scary day today. Henry decided to escape. We have one part of the garden that is not fenced in. It's only a little part and he knows not to go there, and on the most part he is pretty brilliant. But today whilst I was collecting his poop, he decides to go through the little gap. Of course, as soon as I realise I scream like a fish wife STOP and miraculously he does. I then scream in a very panicky voice, (because at the end of this road is a fairly busy road) STAY. Then I run round to the front of the house in my dressing gown (it's early morning) with my coat over the top, my hair a jumbly mess and no makeup and call him to come. And he does! Amazing! I was so proud he got spoilt all day long with loads of little treats. I think perhaps he realised I was makeupless and would cause a real commotion if anyone saw so he came back. What a gent.

Nothing else to report, except took the tree down today because fed up with it, and I'm such a Scrooge I couldn't bear it up another day. All those sodding needles everywhere! I have to say I was not impressed with hubby who sat on the sofa reading the papers whilst I struggled to pull the prickly bastard out of its pot then drag its dead carcass out of the door while it left all its sharp pointy bits on my carpet. (This is the tree not the hubby - though i would have liked to do that to him too.)

Thank God It's over!

Well it's been and gone. And all I can say is, 'What happened?' There it was, Christmas coming along like an uncontrolled train and suddenly, it was over! I was so knackered from shopping, Xmas decorating, more shopping, keeping jolly, more shopping, struggling with the crowds, more shopping and on it goes. That by the time Christmas Day came, I was off with the fairies or maybe it could have been the satanic demons. Call me grump because I was Mrs Grump. I was so fed up with wrapping and cooking and smiling that I didn't have time to drink my beloved Vodka! Well, I mean, lets be realistic, Xmas without a jolly large VAT is not bloody Christmas.

Well we all enjoyed ourselves - including me - after the VAT. I can safely say that I am no longer Mrs Grump, but Mrs Knackered and Mrs Can't Wait For The Kids To Be Back At School cos they are driving me MAD! In a nice way of course.

Henry of course, behaved like a gentleman. Oh My God, I was so worried that he would embarrass me in front of my guests by being a puppy (like he is) but he was just the best. On his best behaviour. Must have read my mind. I was so proud. What a babe.

Polly and Fred (my cats) must have know Santa was on his way too, because madam was chatting to me all bloody night. meow, meow, meow ....... They sleep in my bedroom since Henry arrived, and eat in there too, Polly is too scared to eat anywhere near Henry, so being the softy that I am, she's now fed upstairs.

Freezing My Tits Off!

God it's so bloody cold that I'm freezing my tits off taking Henry (my dog) out to the loo. Why oh why can't any place do? Why do we have to wonder around the garden so many times only to come back to the first place to do our business!!!

Took Henry out for a walk today. Just to fill you all in, Henry is the laziest dog on the planet. When I got a retriever I was told they need loads of exercise, well this little man doesn't want any. A walk up the street is painful, for me, because after about 100yards he wants to go home. And he's a heavy bugger, so dragging is out of the question.

However, today I took him to the woods and he loved it. Had him on one of those retractable leads and he was over the moon. It was such a joy, then the little bastard decided to pitch his strength against mine and gave a mammoth tug as he sped away and I lost him. He ran round and round this muddy patch with the entrance just 20yards from us, open onto a busy road, I too was running round and round the muddy patch. (Not as gracefully as he, the green wellies and muddy coat not as glam as a gorgeous cream furry duvet.) Before I fell on my face I stopped panicking and launched myself onto him.

I missed by a mile.

But I managed to grab his lead and pull him in.

Then I went home, humiliated.

Bloody dogs, what's wrong with cats I ask myself, they never make me throw myself onto the ground like a mad woman.